#WonderTips, Didn't Cha Know?, Life's Little Adventures

Hotel Innward

Earlier today I was at work and saw a student sitting in the corner of the hallway almost hidden behind a white board that had been placed against the wall, eating her lunch. I observed that she was a bit overweight, but looked at her meal and noticed her eating a salad.

You ever feel like God just pulls you towards certain people sometimes?

“Aren’t you almost getting squished by that board?”

Her response was that she didn’t really have any friends and that was a comfortable place to eat.

At that point, the school officer came around and told her that she shouldn’t be eating in the hallway, so I told her to come sit in my office and eat (something that I never let students do).

I started talking to her and eventually found out that she’s a senior who just transferred into the school where I work due to bullying. She had been bullied because of her weight and for not wearing any makeup her 9th and 10th grade year so badly that she felt that she could not return to that particular school. She transferred to another school her junior year then eventually came to my school for her senior year.

Believe it or not, I saw so much of myself in her.

She said she liked being alone now and having her music. I loved being alone growing up with my sketches and my poetry.

Speaking to her made me think back on how we all have these little portions of ourselves that we only reveal at certain times.

It’s as if we are buildings and our personality, character traits, and ideas are all little rooms.

Hence, my new poem: Hotel Innward.

Hotel Innward

I met a mall full of Me’s today

A large shop full of Shelby’s

The hair shop held a high top hell storm of all the smiles

I had thrown about over the years

Freely casting sun rays upon broken fixtures of darkness

A vitamin shop of vagina monologues

A diet pill of body dysmorphia

A protein shake of unprotected women’s rights

Don’t forget your lifetime supply of lies and daily dose of a broken heart

I drifted slowly into the fragrance shop of memories

A quick whiff of the smell her makeup used to leave on her sweater, the stench in his shirts from his 5am hooping sessions, the fragrance of fufu encapsulated in the gifts of dashikis and head wraps, the sweet smell of organic oils dripping from his dreads

The summation and accumulation of life’s events, but

through scents

It was painful, but

it was beautiful

I broke free and found me

Standing in the doorway at a little boutique

The lights were off, the walls were dark, but

the store was full

It was full of clothes. Full of me.

I gathered a hand full of shirts to try on in

the unforgiving blackness, using nothing but the flashlight on my phone as a guide

Each shirt labeled with only one word

Slut

Bitch

Whore

Unworthy

Bitter

Nigger

Undesireable

Trash

Side Chick

UNLOVEABLE

I stood  there for hours in that shirt

In the darkness. In that store.

Feet planted in blocks of cement surrounded by more words of similar stance

The clothes were cheap, yet overpriced

The material was raggedy

The customer service sucked, but

that was my favorite store

I wore that shirt that deflected love as I continued to bounce around throughout the other  stores

Other eyes of myself looking upon me

Judging myself for allowing others to create these shirts, but

the I that is me, the one that is supposedly “free”,

put it on so willingly

I paid for these shirts with someone else’s label

Right then and there, as I rubbed my afro hair,

I decided it was better to leave the store naked and exposed

vs what they told me I should be

I am raw

I am a blank canvas

I am starting over

cyg7pkub

Stay blessed, my people.

 

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#WonderTips, Didn't Cha Know?

Tapping Out

When I was little, I remember we used to play this game called “Say Uncle”.

You and another person would play fight and when one person would get the other in a painful state of submission, the person being dominated would have to “Say Uncle” when they couldn’t take the pain anymore.

I remember always thinking how strange it was that, as children, we would play a game that starts off with just playing around, knowing that it would end in pain and with someone ultimately having to give up.

That’s how I feel about life sometimes.

You walk around laughing, smiling, and optimistic until something holds you into submission and makes you cry out “Uncle”.

A twist of an arm, the pinch of a leg, the bend of a finger.

All things the person does until you either give up or they get tired.

The question then arises…are you the person that does whatever it takes to end the pain or wait it out, knowing the pain will eventually end?

You see, here’s the thing  about the game: 9 times out of 10, if you’re playing Say Uncle, it was by choice; it’s with someone you trust, it’s with someone who won’t actually break your bones or rip your skin.

If you’re genuinely fearing for your safety at that time, you’re not playing a game, you’re being attacked.

But life…life is not out to get you. Life is not an attacker.

God did not give us life so that we have to walk around bruised and broken, calling it “playtime”.

Yes, we all have hard moments. Moments that hurt like hell, but just know that you can tap out and “Say Uncle” or you can stand your ground, knowing that you have a choice to still be here, and fight back.

In the end, you’ll feel better being able to say that you didn’t tap out. That life didn’t defeat you.

Life is not your attacker. It is not against you.

I remember when I first started having seizures last September and was diagnosed with epilepsy. I was constantly in and out of the hospital and I was miserable. I couldn’t work, I couldn’t drive, I could hardly eat, and my hair was falling out.

I wanted to give up so badly but I stayed in the fight.

And so should you.

Whether it’s your health, your dreams/ goals, your relationship, or anything else that’s kicking your butt right now, stay in the fight.

It’s not to say that what you’re doing at this moment is the right thing, but don’t just give up on yourself. (Of course you should walk away from any unhealthy situation.)

You may have to adjust your arm a little or twist your ankle into a different position to make it hurt less, but by no means do you ever let yourself go.

Do what you need to protect yourself, but never walk away from YOU.

Life doesn’t have to make you “Say Uncle”.

Stay blessed, souls.

 

#WonderTips, Poetry/ Fiction

Hello/ Goodbye (Waves)

Hello lovely people. 🙂

I know I haven’t posted in a while (work has been kicking my boo-tay), but I am back to share a poem with you all!

Lately I’ve been dealing with a lot of things with different people. Situations that have been more emotionally upsetting than anything.

I’m a pretty optimistic person. I have no serious issues with or have any ill-wishes towards anyone. I am trying to live my life in a positive manner and focus on the tasks I have at hand, but of course, situations in life factor in to how we live our daily lives.

This poem is about people having a misconception about me or only seeing what they want to see, which causes them to act a certain way towards me, even though it may be based on something that is a misunderstanding. My attempt in life is to stop altering and censoring myself out of fear of my perception to anyone that is not my God.

Anywho, ENJOY!

Hello, Goodbye (Waves)

I am an island

Not in the sense that I am alone or isolated

But this fact wages on the truth that my heart’s been weighted and what’s in me has been dated

My heart beats slow

Everlasting desires of reaching new heights that YOU required

And so I did…

You, I became your work slave

You, I became your love slave

You, I became your slave partner

Unwashed wishes of a greater tomorrow placed in deep fields of sorrow

As your approval my soul seeks to borrow

100 nods of yes and 3 shakes of no

Have me praying to let go of the chains that withhold

My lone foot wrapped in bold

…chains with no locks

You kept seeking more because I gave you so much without you ever asking

I am not seeking your friendship

I am not seeking your relationship

I am not seeking your sorries

I am looking for your acknowledgement

Love. Light. Life.

That’s whose designated wife

I am.

That’s who sits with me under my palm tree

Drinking juice out of a coconut

No locked doors, no washed up shores

Me giving no more to your apology’s score

For…

I am an island