Why I deleted me.

I deleted my facebook, Twitter, and snapchat recently.

I also went through and deleted over 500 photos from my instagram.

This was not some act to be dramatic or for attention or for people to seek me out and ask me what’s going on in my life.

Actually, I thought I would be able to rid myself of social media and nobody notice for a while.

Some of you may have seen somewhere/ heard somehow that I was hospitalized about 2 weeks ago for 3 days. I hate being the center of attention or feeling like I’m trying to gain pity so I planned on remaining pretty hush about the situation, but I feel as though God has told me to share. This is my current story. This is my current truth.

I won’t go into details (honestly because I’m too lazy), but on the morning of December 9th, I began not feeling well at work. That ultimately turned into my blood pressure going up and then I began showing signs of a stroke (numbness and complete immobility in my arm). I was also having tremors. A little in my arm and a lot in my left leg.

At the hospital, I was put on “stroke alert” and given all of these tests. Long story short, it wasn’t TECHNICALLY a stroke.

I apparently have a condition that causes me to get spontaneous headaches that then turn into stroke-like symptoms. Oh…and those “tremors” I was having? Actually isolated seizures caused by this condition.

I’ll be honest with you guys. It’s been physically rough on me.

I now have 3 prescriptions I have to keep on me at ALL TIMES. I have to make sure that I don’t get worked up about any situation ever because any headache can set off an episode.

I can also have an episode at any time without any warning. I had 3 last week. 1 happened in my sleep and 1 happened at work.

I have to call someone if I start feeling bad while I’m driving just in case I go into an episode and have a seizure while driving. It’s “suggested” that I leave my office door open at work in case I go into an episode. Some nights I’m afraid to sleep because now I know I can start seizing in my sleep. I also just moved and I have people questioning if I’m truly capable of living by myself.

It’s scary to know that something in your brain isn’t functioning properly. It’s scary knowing that you’re going to have to go back and visit with several neurologists in the near future for more testing. It’s just all new and unexpected…and scary.

On the other hand, I’ve found such a place of zen and peace. Since my body will not allow any stress or negativity, I have no choice but to live in light.

I’m not sharing the status of my health for pity or so that I can play the victim. I’m sharing it because, if I don’t, it is like denying who I am in this space of time. It is like living in shame and I refuse to be shamed by my truth.

I have nothing but love for everyone. I have found my peace even if it was forced upon me. Although I have come to realize that not everyone will love me the same or love me at all, I know that I cannot carry their burden.

We have to start living, y’all. Not even in the selfish way that we think that phrase means. Living is doing what we can to keep each other alive as much as we can without depleting ourselves. Living is loving each other and walking in truth.

So why did I delete my social media?

Because I found myself having a beautiful moment in life and feeling the need to share it…instead of living in that moment. By the time I checked in, snapped it, and tweeted about it, my moment was gone.

I wanted to start living. Feel free to live with me. 🙂

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