Most people know that I am a very private person, so this will probably be one of my most revealing and personal posts to date.
In case you hadn’t noticed or haven’t read my last couple of blog posts, I’ve been talking a lot about improving myself and doing what I can to better myself.
It has been a long, emotional road to say the least.
Over the last several months, I’ve had at least 3 of my students come to me, nervous and saddened, saying that they have had dreams that I died.
Once again, this post will be personal and full of moments and memories that you may not understand and things that I have never shared with anyone.
I can recall growing up and hearing stories from my mom and both sisters that they all, at some point in my lifetime, had dreams that I had passed away as well.
Could you imagine hearing about a dream from a family member that you were trapped in a burning building and everyone but you got out?
That’s why I try to make the most of my life. That’s why I know that every day that I have here is something special and a true gift from God.
About a week ago, I woke up shaking and afraid. I had just woken up from a nightmare that I had a seizure in my sleep and died. Mind you, this is all of 2 weeks after another one of my students came to me saying they had another dream I died.
What’s even scarier about all of these nocturnal events? 2 days after my dream, I ended up in the hospital.
As I have said before, many people know I am a very private individual.
Some of my best friends did not even know I was in the hospital in 2011 for pretty much the same issue.
This time, however, was a bit worse. When you’re sitting there, barely able to move, looking at an IV in your arm, it is definitely an eye-opener.
I had time to reflect on everything. I thought about friendships, I thought about my choices in life, I thought about who I am trying to be.
I died in my sleep and 2 days later I was in the hospital.
I do not believe in coincidences. I believe in God. I believe in His divine plan for my life.
I caught myself, sitting in the ER, checking up on my other friends who I knew were going through things instead of focusing on myself. Some of those friends that have yet to contact me first to check on me since I’ve been out of the hospital, but that’s besides the point. *sips tea*
The day after I was in the ER, it happened again.
Another dream that I had died in my sleep, except this one was different.
There were two of me this time. I was laying in bed, looking at myself. Same clothes, same everything.
I was in pain before I went to sleep; pain that I could still feel in my dream.
Only one of me survived the pain though. The other one died and I watched everyone prepare for her funeral.
A funeral that I, myself, didn’t even attend.
I woke up a bit panicked and confused.
“Okay, God. What are you trying to tell me?”
Another personal revelation: I interpret dreams (as if you didn’t think I was a big enough hippie).
I prayed to God for clarity. I did not understand how I can tell everyone else what their dreams meant, but I couldn’t figure out my own.
And then it came to me…
I remembered my pastor always saying, “You have to die to self.”
I never truly understood that until now. You have to let go of the earthly you and get back to the true spirit that God has placed in you.
Me dying in my dreams was not a sign of my literal death, but the impending death of the me that I no longer wanted to be.
It was a sign that my true commitment to God is being noticed and that soon everyone will view me as a new person.
I am shredding the old me and my old ways. It is a signal that once the old me is gone, that Shelby cannot come back.
I do not have a lot of friends, so I spend a lot of time by myself.
The good thing about this? I have a lot of time to focus on my relationship with God and I’ve grown so much spiritually.
I’ve learned how to no longer be the crutch for people. I usually tend to put everyone before myself and it’s a completely unhealthy quality of mine.
As I’ve said before, if you give your everything to everyone else, without receiving anything in return, you’re then left with nothing, while they’ve gained everything.
We have to learn how to willingly let ourselves go and submit ourselves to Him in order to be greater.
I’m not saying that we all have to be perfect, but I’m saying that we should all be willing to do what we can to help develop ourselves and those around us. This way, we can build stable foundations internally and help bring up future generations that know their worth.
Yesterday was my last day working at the apartment complex. It was my last day working with the children that I care so much about.
Many people do not know the troubles that I had been having at work. Basically, it got to the point where, after I announced that I got a new job, pretty much everyone completely stopped speaking to me. I even came in yesterday to find my desk had been moved and my office had been swapped. My drawers had even been cleared out and nobody had even asked if I was doing ok health-wise (they all knew I had been in the hospital).
I say this, not to gain pity, but to juxtapose the actions of the children. My children all told me how much they missed me and all told me how much they wanted me to stay. They asked where my new job would be because they all wanted to follow me. They all said they were going to wrap around my legs and hang on to my car so I couldn’t leave.
The old Shelby would have focused on the negativity of the office, but this “new” Shelby, this “dead-to-self” Shelby, she focused on the love and positive energy from the children.
After I left the hospital the other day, I stopped by Target to go get my prescriptions. A woman stopped me in the parking lot on my way out. She instantly tells me, “I can tell you have such a beautiful spirit. I just had to stop you and tell you that I see so many positive things coming up in your future. I’m a psychic and people usually pay me to do readings for them, but I just had to stop and say something to you. Something about you just stands out.”
That right there was confirmation for me that, as long as I let my light shine, no matter how much darkness attempts to surround me, it only helps my God-given light to stand out more.
P.S. I would love to give a HUGE shout out to my readers all over the world! I have readers in 24 different countries!! I am so blessed that you all are sticking with me and actually care what I have to say! I LOVE YOU ALL!!